Just me and my 3

Happy birthday (a day late) to my sweet Alex.

2008-12-29T15:22:00.008-06:00

Buddy,

I can't believe that you turned 2 yesterday. As much as I don't want to admit it (and you either judging by your response of "no, stop it" when I sang to you) you are growing up. It seems like just yesterday that I was snuggling you in my hospital bed and wondering if your little elf ear would correct itself (it did). And now you are my big boy, and a great big brother.

So much has changed in the past year. Last year at this time you were just starting to say a few words and taking tiny, wobbly steps. Now you run and climb and jump and move non-stop. You love to sing, and speak very clearly for your age. You have a unique sense of humor, and love to tell your knock-knock joke.

Knock Knock...Who's there?...Cow...Cow who?...MOO!! (followed by endless giggles)

You have the sweetest little laugh, and your smile can melt my heart. You have always been able to light up a room. You also know how to get yourself out of trouble. You look up at me with those giant brown eyes, say "Sorry mommy. Hug?" and I just can't resist. Same goes for the cute pleas of "Mommy, hold you?" or "Snuggle me!"

You love the water, whether it be at the lake, or in the tub. You are also starting to get big into trains, cars and planes. In fact, Papa bought you and your brother your first train table for Christmas, and you haven't stopped playing with it.

Buddy man, we love you very much and I can't wait to see what the next year has in store for you.

Who's your daddy?

2008-12-16T15:47:00.002-06:00

I arrived a daycare for the program a bit early this morning, and sat down with the kids as they ate snack. While I was sitting there talking to them, one of the dads asked if Alex was my son. I said yes, and he proceded to tell me that when he had walked in, Alex had come running over and bear hugged him around the legs. I was pretty darn embarrassed, but just kind of laughed about it, apologized, and then went back to talking.

Later on it dawned on me. The guy was younger, and of a similar build and hair color as the kids' father. How sad...My poor little guy hugged someone thinking it was his father because he doesn't even know what he looks like anymore.

Christmas program and more sickies

2008-12-16T15:35:00.001-06:00

Over the weekend Evan seemed sleepier than normal, so I decided Monday to take him back to the doctor to see if his ears were still bothering him. I made the appointment, and before I could even call daycare to let them know I would be picking them up, my phone rang. It was daycare...I needed to come get Alex immediately, as they suspected he had pink eye. Wonderful. I suddenly was taking two boys to the dr in the freezing cold. After a bunch of crying (Alex, not me) the doctor confirmed that not one, but both boys had ear infections and Alex definitely had pink eye. Fabulous...3 prescriptions later, and we were on our way home.

The good news is that I was still able to take them all to daycare today. Which is good, because today was Kyanne's dance program. I haven't laughed that hard in a very long time. There were only 3 girls, ages 3, 4 and 5 and for some reason the other 2 decided to be very shy. One stood there and refused to do anything, one joined in a little bit and soon was distracted by her belly button, and then there was Kyanne. I was so proud of her. She kept right on going following along with her teacher. And little Buddy was standing by me watching intently and trying to follow along as well. It was so much fun!

Fabulous...

2008-12-11T21:14:00.002-06:00

Yet another crazy stressful week. Quick breakdown: Behind on homework again, pretty sure Evan's ear infection still hasn't cleared up, Kyanne and Alex have been slightly evil..and now this...

Tonight we came home and discovered a Wal-Mart bag hanging from our door with a note attached. Inside were 2 raggedy stuffed animals and a happy meal barbie. WTH... Oh it gets better..the note said:
Kyanne, Alex, Evan
I love you very much
Love Dad

Too bad he doesn't care enough to actually be a father. Or to make sure child support gets paid.

Lucky for me the kids can't read and bought my elf story.

One more thing

2008-12-04T10:24:00.004-06:00

During the extended weekend I finally caved and took the kids for haircuts. One of my good friends is a cosmotologist and did it for me. Neither boy sat very well, but in the end they looked a lot less shaggy. Kyanne was thrilled when one of the other girls offered to give her "princess hair". She is adamantly opposed to the idea of getting a haircut, but the girl was sneaky and trimmed off half an inch while she was curling it.

Still alive...barely

2008-12-04T10:10:00.003-06:00

What a crazy past few weeks! I am getting tired of sick children! Buddy finally started feeling better last week, in time for Kyanne to get the pukies and Evan's ear infection to start making it's presence know. Poor baby has had the same ear infection for about a month now. We are on round two of antibiotics. If this doesn't work, I might request tubes. They worked wonders for Alex.

Speaking of Alex, he has been having major behavoir problems. Definitely entering the terrible twos! He hits, throws things, backtalks, and yesterday bit Kyanne for no reason. I am not really sure what to do with him. Time outs seem to have no effect on him, although he has become pretty good at sucking up to me afterwards.

We survived Thanksgiving craziness and the 4 day weekend. Started out rough though after drama at my mother's house which ended in her saying she wanted nothing to do with me and to tell the kids they don't have a grandma anymore. Just what I need to freakin deal with! So I had the not-so-fun task of talking to Kyanne about it. I will not be the bad guy, and I will not lie to my kids. So now Kyanne has been saying things like "Now my Memo doesn't want to see me, just like my daddy doesn't want to". It kills me, but I have to be honest with her. I want her to know that I will always be open with her, and that I am always here for her. However, I am considering finding a counselor for her to talk to.

Because of all the sickies going around my house, and the drama, and the naughty toddler, I have had zero time to work on school work. Thank God my instructor is understanding and has given me an extension. Now if only I weren't too exhausted to start on it.

And it continues

2008-11-22T22:07:00.003-06:00

Buddy ran a fever all day yesterday as well, didn't sleep worth a crap last night, and woke up this morning looking like this:

No clue why, but the poor little guys eyes were all swollen. Luckily that went away, but his yucky nose and cough are still sticking around. I can't wait for the kid to be himself again. I don't know when the last time was he (or I) got a good night's sleep. Finger's crossed he will feel better tomorrow.

Bonus fun

2008-11-20T18:47:00.002-06:00

Evidently they aren't kidding when the bottle of Augmentin states to take with food as it may cause upset stomach. Buddy proved what happens if you don't eat right away.

And just to make sure she wasn't neglected, Kyanne had an accident all over the bathroom floor. Woohoo!

Good thing they are cute and Evan is still being good.

And we have a winner...

2008-11-20T15:27:00.004-06:00

Well after another day off of work and another trip to the doctor, we have a verdict. Double ear infection, and his throat is also bright red. The dr. didn't think it was necessary to do a strep test because the augmentin for the ears would knock out whatever was causing the throat issues. Judging by the 104 fever he had last night and the fact that his temp hasn't dropped below 102 (except with motrin) for 3 days, I would bet money on the strep.

Which means he has been contagious. And the other 2 will probably get it. And now my throat is scratchy. Anyone want to make bets on whether I will be at work tomorrow?

I am just glad we got a diagnosis this time and now have antibiotics so he can start getting better.
Poor kid is finally getting some rest.

Down with the sickness...

2008-11-19T21:44:00.002-06:00

Alex had gotten sick yesterday at daycare. I picked him up and decided to take him to the dr. because he was very lethargic and didn't want to eat (so not my kid). When we were there his temp was 102.9, but he checked out ok. The dr. did note though that his tubes are on their way out, and basically just sitting in there doing nothing. In otherwords, it is entirely possible that the kid will have an ear infection in a few days. I was told to give him tylenol for the fever, and prescribed cold meds so that the poor kid could breathe. By evening he was fine. Eating, playing etc, and fine this morning as well.

About 3:30 I got the call again. He had woke up from nap and was running a high fever again (102) and I needed to come pick him up. By the time I got there 20 minutes later it had risen to 104. Poor baby was out of it and having trouble staying awake. We got home and he had tylenol and his cold meds and lounged around for about an hour. After that he perked up and was playing again.

So, I have no idea what is wrong with him, but hopefully tomorrow will be a better day.

In case you didn't know

2008-11-18T12:31:00.003-06:00

I learned a very important lesson on Sunday that I thought I would share. Consider yourself warned...

I learned the hard way. It was not fun. Pretty sure I broke my pinky toe. I am proud of myself though...Kyanne was right there when I did it, and I did not swear! (well, not outloud anyway)

Lucky me!

2008-11-18T12:23:00.003-06:00

Seriously, only in mine world could the timing of events be so perfectly coordinated. I must be the luckiest person around.

What, you may be asking yourself, makes me so special? Well for starters Evan just finished up his last dose of antibiotics yesterday (for ear infection). He also had 2 teeth break through, so is finally back to normal. Woohoo! But hold on, no time to celebrate. Daycare called me and told me that Alex has been laying around all morning, is hot to the touch and won't eat anything. Guess who is taking the afternoon off to hang out in the dr's office? IT'S ME!! Aren't I the luckiest person ever?!? Oh, and just to prove my specialness, I will be back there on Friday for Evan's booster flu shot. Awesome.

Warning, Strong language to follow...

2008-11-16T09:43:00.002-06:00

I will start with the positive...It's 10:00 and the kids are just now getting up and having breakfast. So I did get to sleep in a bit (9) and have some coffee before they got up. This is a very good thing.

It's unfortunate though that the reason for the sleeping in is that they were up til 10:15 last night. We were watching movies and having popcorn. Sounds like a good time, right? Well it was, but I had started putting them to bed at 8:30.

Let's rewind: Yesterday afternoon their "father" decided that he would take a few minutes out of his busy schedule :eyeroll: to fulfill his weekly parenting duty. In otherwords, he decided to call and dedicate a whole 2 minutes to talking with his children on the phone for the first time in over a week. And of course he uses that time to tell Kyanne how much he misses her, and how hard he is working, and how he is going to buy a car so he can come visit her more. Yeah, all nice things....if he weren't a lying asshole. I have heard the whole car-buying crap for a year now. If he gave a shit at all he would find a way to get here to visit. It's only 45 minutes away, pay someone to give you a ride. Or, here's an even better idea...Seeing as how he is an experienced electrician he could easily get a better job and make at least double. Then he could pay his child support and get a car. But that would be too much work I guess, because then he wouldn't have an excuse...

Then he wanted to talk to me :yay: and I reminded him (again) that he either needed to set a schedule and stick to it and not make promises he couldn't keep, or I would cut all contact. He kind of mumbled in agreement, and went on to how his grandma really wanted to meet Alex and Evan (she lives about 3 hours away), and how upset his grandpa was that he didn't get to see them before he died. I asked how he proposed to do this. His suggestion was that his mom come pick them up and take them there for a visit.

Let's see, I should allow the person that has criticized my parenting choices from day one and who sees my kids maybe 2 times a year come pick them up and take them for a weekend. How about... hell to the NO! So then pouty pants decided he was done talking to me. Big loss...

Anyways, Kyanne was bubbly for awhile afterwards talking about how her daddy was going to come see her soon because he was buying a car. I don't know what got into me, but I broke it to her that sometimes he says things he doesn't mean, and that it would probably be a very long time before he actually did it. Crappy thing to do? Probably. But I am so sick of seeing her hurting because of him, and I feel the need to be honest with her. She finally accepted what I was saying when I pointed out that he had promised to help me buy new car seats for the kids and that it never happened.

I already felt guilty about the whole thing, and then bedtime rolled around. A few minutes after I put her in bed I hear her start to bawl and repeat "daddy" over and over again. I went in and tried to comfort her and talk to her (with a tired boy on each hip) and failed to get her calmed down. Then of course I start crying due to stress and hating the fact that despite how hard I work my ass off, she still worships the ground that her piece of shit dad walks on.

I called my dad in tears and asked him to talk to her and get her calmed down. He was successful, but he also made the suggestion to her that we watch a movie and have popcorn as a family. Love ya dad, but I swear sometimes you are out to get me :) I put Evan in bed, and the rest of snuggled on the couch with popcorn, orange juice and Thomas.

And right or wrong, I think I will be ignoring phone calls from a certain person for awhile. Maybe then he will realize that I am serious about how much he is hurting the kids and that I am not going to expose them to that any more.

Christmas card time!

2008-11-12T11:22:00.003-06:00

In an effort to be more productive lately, I decided to start working on Christmas cards. This required a few photoshoots and lots of time designing the papers (backgrounds) and card templates. Here are two that I have come up with so far:

:(

2008-11-07T15:20:00.002-06:00

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. :( I am whiney and exhausted, my stomach hurts and I have been up since 12:30. This sucks!

Poor Evan is still fighting the darn cold that he gave me 2 weeks ago. I managed to recover from mine earlier in the week. The kid was up at 12:30 last night screaming. He didn't want to eat, didn't want his pacifier, didn't want held, and certainly didn't want down. About an hour into the wrestling session I had to put down the pissed off baby and make a mad dash to the bathroom. He was not happy. I was not happy. He finally crashed at 2:30 but lucky me continued having to run to the bathroom until about 7:30 this morning...just in time to throw on clothes to head to work.

Luckily other than some major stomach cramps I have been ok. I took Evan into the dr. this morning, and sure enough, ear infection! I had suspected this after last night. It seemed all to familiar of the times spent trying to comfort a screaming Alex. After thinking more about it, I realized that he is the exact age that Alex was when he had ear problems which eventually led to tubes. Fingers crossed that the antibiotics knock it out, but not holding my breath on that one.

On a positive note, at least it's Friday...

Random ramblings...again

2008-11-04T14:04:00.003-06:00

Yet again I have managed to fall completely behind in keeping up with my blog. So, here are some random happenings:

~My daddy spoils me (and I love it). He is the best dad ever and cooks supper for me every Sunday. As if this were not enough, he picked up my van to give it a checkup last weekend. While he had it, he wiped down the interior, washed it, and put gas in it! How awesome is he?!?

~My bestest friend Katie spoils me as well. She showed up at my door Saturday with a birthday cake (ice cream cake, my fav). I was so excited, as was Kyanne since she was concerned that I didn't have one. That was very cool and unexpected!

~I got lots of birthday wishes on Facebook from other friends, which totally made my day! You all are great!

~The kids had a blast on Halloween. Alex was so adorable saying Trick-or-trick and thank you. Kyanne did a great job of remembering her manners as well. And Evan, well the little monkey did a good job of hanging out in the stroller. See how cute they all were:

~Kyanne had her last day of class at preschool last week. The daycare that the boys go to is going to be starting a preschool -type curriculm in a few weeks and I decided that that would be a better fit for Kyanne. She wasn't making friends at school, and spent most of the day sitting with the teachers being sad. At daycare she is a completely different kid and her confidence and personality shine. Also an advantage-it's free! Which certainly beats the $75/month plus $2.35/day lunch fees that I was paying.

~I had started finally getting child support the second week of September...So we are about 8 weeks into it, and their father is already 2 weeks behind. Nice, huh?

Unmotivated and falling behind again

2008-10-24T09:01:00.003-05:00

I realized just this morning how little I have been updating. I seem to have gotten behind on many things yet again, but here are the highlights:

~We never did make it to the pumpkin patch. Due to weather it had been postponed to Monday of this week. However, I was told at the time that I couldn't take the day off. Kyanne made the decision that she didn't want to go if I wasn't going to be there. I wasn't about to force her, so she went to daycare with "her boys" instead.

~Kyanne and Evan had checkups and flu shots on Tuesday. They are both healthy and perfect (and kinda shrimpy).

Stats for K: 39" tall (25%) and 34 lbs. (48%)

Stats for E: 28.5" tall (50%) and 19 lbs 10 oz. (40%)

~Alex has offically started acting like an almost two year old. I had forgotten how much I disliked this stage. He has proven that he is just as stubborn as his big sis was at this age. Luckily he is still my sweetheart and likes to snuggle when he isn't causing trouble.

~Evan hates his new car seat. Screams bloody murder every time he is in it. Lots of fun...

~My current class (ditigal illustration) is going fairly well. I wasn't sure about it at first, but I am starting to get into it. Here is part of an illustration I did last night:

~I managed to hurt my wrist this morning while wrestling with Evan (aka getting him dressed). Hurts like hell and made it really interesting to try and get myself dressed and the kids out the door and into the van. Infact, Kyanne actually had to help me get ready.

~More positive news...

*Luckily it my left arm that I hurt since I am right handed.

*The kids love me so much that they cry when I drop them off at daycare (yup, all 3)

*It's almost the weekend and I have no plans!

More improvement

2008-10-14T15:46:00.005-05:00

After a rather rough end of the week last week, I am pleased to say that this one is running much smoother. I think the boys are finally feeling better because the amount of crying and whining has been greatly reduced. Kyanne has been a fabulous big sister lately, and has even been inviting Alex into her room to play. I am very proud of her and how much better her behavior has been in recent months.

Other happenings~Evan is officially 9 months old today, and it makes me a little sad. He is just growing way too fast. To prove to me that he really isn't my little baby anymore, he has started waving goodbye. :( Incredibly adorable, but my baby isn't supposed to be able to communicate.

Kyanne's preschool class is going to a pumpkin patch tomorrow, and I will be going along. The place we are headed to is about an hour and half away, but looks really cool. Her dad is going with us, so it will be an interesting trip...

Pumpkin Patch

2008-10-06T11:27:00.004-05:00

My mom, younger sister and I took the kids to the Pumpkin Patch about 45 minutes from where we live. There was so much to see and do, and the kids had a blast. We were all exhausted by the end of the day.

Here are some of the animals that were there:

Alex kept calling this a chicken

Kyanne with her face painted as a lion

It's a miracle! They are both sitting still.
The Race Track

Evan looking oh-so thrilled

Sliding down a 100 ft long slide

View from the lookout tower. It was very windy!
Coming down the slide from lookout tower. This thing was fast did a number on your tailbone!
Riding the horse. Kyanne's favorite part of the trip.
End of the day. Didn't even get pictures of them with their pumpkins because they were too tired.

Wow. Just wow..

2008-10-03T10:50:00.002-05:00

Evan's excema has been out of control lately, and he has been breaking out in a rash. His poor little bottom is super sore too, so I began to suspect food allergies. I asked daycare for a copy of what he has been eating, and picked up the sheet last night of yesterday's meals.

Ok, let me back track a second here. They have been going here 2 weeks, and I filled out info on them when they started. For Evan there was a food sheet, on which I wrote that he takes an 8oz bottle every 4 hours or so. Mid-mornings he has oatmeal and a jar of fruit, and afternoons rice cereal and a jar of veggies. Pretty easy, right?

So imagine my suprise when I look at the sheet and see that for lunch he had green beans, pears, and hamburger! But wait, it gets better... For afternoon snack he had CHEETOS! Who gives an 8.5 month old cheetos?!?

I approached them this morning and said that we had a problem. He is only 8.5 months old, and should not be getting table food. Their response "Well, he was only getting soft stuff". (Um, yeah, he has 2 teeth..how in the heck is chewing hamburger) I informed them that per doctors orders (which is standard guidelines!) he was only to be getting jarred fruit and veggies until 9 months, and that his sheet showed this. I made mention that it was my understanding that since they participated in the food program that it was provided (all past daycares have). They said no, only formula and table food is offered and anything else was to be brought in by me. I was also told that he was given table food because he needed to eat something. I had provided formula, he would not have starved. Why was I not informed that I needed to bring in the baby food or at least questioned about how I wanted to handle it?!?

Needless to say I am beyond mad, and feel sick to my stomach. From reading Alex's sheets I know that they have had things like pizza and fish sticks, which I assume Evan was fed as well. What if he would have had an allergic reaction? Or choked? This kid can barely handle the Gerber puffs without gagging. Ugh...

Slow improvement

2008-10-02T16:23:00.002-05:00

As it turns out, my boss ended up not having to go out of town yesterday. I had already dropped off Kyanne and her car seat before I discovered this bit of information. Poor girl wasn't feeling too hot when I dropped her off either. So, I decided to suprise her and picked her up from daycare after lunch for a girls day adventure. I was able to get a few pictures, despite her allergies and camera issues. Things didn't go quite as planned since she wasn't her usual self, but I think we still had fun. If nothing else, it wore her out. She ended up napping from 5:30-7:30 last night, and was still in bed by 8:30. Overall, a pretty good day.

It just keeps getting better :(

2008-09-30T20:22:00.003-05:00

Kyanne is going on a field trip to the fire station tomorrow for preschool, and I had every intention of going with them. The recent issues with her getting upset over everything were really the deciding factor that I needed to take off of work to be with her. Well tonight as I was getting ready to leave work my boss informed me that he has to be at a jobsite in the morning, which means I have to be in the office.

Kyanne was not please at all, which led to more tears. It's been a crappy day, I am headed to bed. I don't care if it's only 8:30. The sooner I fall asleep, the sooner a new day can start. I can only hope that tomorrow will bring better things.

Holy emotional hell...

2008-09-30T11:15:00.002-05:00

The crying episodes from last night have continued on into today. She cried over everything: her pants were too big. I got her new ones. She cried because she could not button them, then because her sandals didn't work with socks. Then because shoes kept falling out of her closet as she was trying to get her tennis shoes, then because she couldn't get her coat zipped. OMG It was totally nuts, and very out of character for her.

And apparently it is contagious...I am the only one in the office and have been crying off and on as well. The thing is...I am not a crier. Hate crying, normally try not to show weakness. But today...well today I am tired. I am tired and getting sick, and need a vacation. My head hurts, my heart hurts, and I want to take a break. I want to curl up in my bed and stay there for an entire day. I want a pillow over my head so I don't hear whining and fighting. I want a night where I don't have to worry about what's for supper or how many children will cry or need something as I am trying to make it.

I want to smack the next person who tells me that I "sure have my hands full" as they walk the other way. Hey jack ass, ever think of offering to hold the door for me? I want to yell at the person who tells me that "they don't know how I do it".. did you ever stop to think that maybe I am not doing it...I am not thriving like you think I am. Right now my head is barely above water. Sure I am getting everything done, but my sanity and well-being are suffering because of it.

I don't expect a handout. I don't want your pity. I am a single mom of 3 kids, who works full-time, is going to school, and working on turning a hobby into a career. Those were all my choices, no one elses, and I don't expect people to have to make sacrafices for me. I am not going to expect or beg for help, but dammit, it would be nice if it were offered to me just once. Just once instead of hearing how awesome I am doing I wish someone would take the time to at least listen, or even better, to see if there is anything I need. Just once I want it to be about me.

It's times like these that I wish I had the kind of mom that everyone else seems to have. The kind that is involved. You know the type...Adore their grandkids, try to spoil them rotten, ask all the time if they can come over or if the kids can spend the night. Who knows...maybe that is only in the movies...but I could use one of them.

But alas, it's back to reality for me. Yes, I know there are people so much worse off than me. I am so thankful for my children and the few close friends I have. I do have people that have been there for me and have helped me survive the past year. Yet I don't think anyone truly understands just how helpless and alone I truly feel.

See...I told you it was contagious...now I am crying over stupid crap again.

Daddy Drama

2008-09-29T21:59:00.002-05:00

Yeah, lucky me. Kyanne had an emotional night, and spent half an hour crying because she misses her daddy and doesn't understand why he won't come visit. How am I supposed to explain that? I don't know wth his problem is, so how do I tell her? Then she started talking about how I could let him come over and sleep in my bed "As just a one-time thing"...um, nope. Not.gonna.happen. Had to explain that mommy and daddy will never live in the same house again, and went on to explain all of the different types of families. After a few more tears and a dramatic "I guess we will never be a family" things calmed down. But only because her show came on.

The girl loves Dancing with the Stars, and I will admit I like watching it too. But for some reason in little girl world the outfits they wear made her think of princesses and weddings. So I got to hear how I needed one of those pretty dresses so that I could get married. Riiiiight, because all it takes is a pretty dress...Now maybe if I had the figure of one of those girls it wouldn't be as difficult...but alas, I have had 3 kids in 4 years. So I had to break her heart again when I told her that I had to find someone that wanted to marry me first. Will it never end?

Could they be any cuter?

2008-09-27T09:45:00.002-05:00

Ok first off, the monkeys let me sleep in until 8 this morning. That. was. fabulous. But even better than that is that everyone woke up in a great mood (myself included). Kyanne was the first one up and woke me up stating that she was hungry. Seeing as how I wasn't quite ready to crawl out from under the covers, I sent her to the kitchen to find a granola bar. She quickly returned asking if I had heard a loud noise. I hadn't, but she informed me that she had and didn't know what it was. I told her I didn't know either. Her response "Hmm, well I guess it's a mystery." Where does she get this stuff?

And then there are the knock knock jokes. I taught Kyanne one awhile back that seems to be her favorite. It's the interupting cow joke. Here is how it is supposed to go:
M-Knock knock
K-Who's there?
M-Interupting cow
K-Interupting co..
M-MOO

Except when Kyanne tells it its more like this:
K-Knock knock
M-Who's there?
K-Interupting cow
M-Interupting cow who?
K-... MOO

And of course Alex's version is good for a few laughs
A-Knock Knock MOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Evan is finally back to his normal cheery self and giggling at everyone, even though the poor kid has a wicked cold.

Because I need more projects...

2008-09-26T11:43:00.002-05:00

Ok, I have been meaning to create an additional blog for my photography work, and have finally gotten around to it. It is still a work in progress, but it can be found here: Frozen Moments Photography Please come visit and add me to your links if you want!

Awwww

2008-09-26T08:23:00.002-05:00

Even though they can drive me up the wall on an almost daily basis, I have to admit that I do have incredibly sweet children. I love the way they look out for each other, and are so concerned when one is hurt, crying, or in trouble. I truly hope that they will always be so compassiate and caring.

From this morning. (Preface-Buddy is obsessed with PopTarts, or puptrts as he calls them). So this morning, after not mentioning his beloved poptarts for a few weeks, he wakes up asking for them (literally, his eyes were not even open yet). I agreed, and off to the kitchen we went. Problem was though, I only had one poptart, and 2 hungry children. I looked at Kyanne and asked her what we should do. Her response "Mommy, let Alex have it. I know he loves them and it will make him happy. I will have cereal instead" OMG...best response ever.

And yesterday evening Alex was trying to share his snack with Evan. He even told me "mommy, share, Evan". That was when I noticed that he had already shared a goldfish cracker with his brother. I wasn't entirely sure how to handle that one. I mean, it's good that he wants to share and all, but he kind of should wait until his brother can at least chew what he is offering.

Kitchen Mess 2008 aka My Cupcake Hell

2008-09-22T10:58:00.004-05:00

For some reason I will never fully understand I decided to make cupcakes, from scratch. I am so not a baker. WTH was I thinking?!?

That's a lot of batter!

Divided up and colored.
Ready to go into the oven
MMM...
The insides...
This bright idea (yes pun intended) took all morning long (at least 3 hours), dirtied nearly every bowl in house, resulted in my discovery that some of my measuring cups and spoons are missing, and produced 48 cupcakes! The good thing though, is that they taste even better than they look. I ended up frosting them with rainbow chip frosting (my fav). I had so many that I had each of my sisters take home a dozen and I still have a dozen on my counter (well, 11...I have one in my purse for later).

Recipe can be found here...

Edited to add for Ali-They are cupcake flavored ;). Ok, just kidding, I guess they would be vanilla.

We survived...barely

2008-09-21T08:56:00.003-05:00

Well the part of the weekend I was dreading the most has passed. I survived the kids' dad and grandma coming to visit, but it wasn't easy. I found myself having to bite my tongue on more than one occassion. Like when she handed me a box of fruit and juice, and muttered something along the lines of, since you don't let the kids have sugar. Later on it was a comment about Kyanne's dirty arm when Kyanne said that I didn't tell her to wash it. (Basically laughing at the fact that she thought Kyanne needed permission to wash herself) Then Kyanne said she was hungry, (I was in kitchen working on homework) so I called Kyanne in to discuss what she wanted me to make. Connie announces loudly from the living room that she will buy them kids meals since they were so hungry. Yeah, I am the worst mother because I don't pump my kids full of sugar 24/7, I expect manners, and because at 11:30 I hadn't fed my children yet. I really wanted to say "My kids, my house, my rules. If you have a problem with the way I raise MY kids, there's the door." But, she only sees them twice a year anyway, so it wasn't worth the drama.

While this was going on I also had to tolerate the sulking coming from their dad. He was all quite and depressed and kept going on about how much he misses me and the kids. And yet there he was, around the kids...sitting on the couch crying. Um yeah, that's good use of the time you have with them.

Thank God that's over!

Now I am in the middle of Big Kitchen Mess 2008. Don't worry, there will be pictures...

Almost the weekend..

2008-09-19T11:04:00.003-05:00

We survived another week...barely. It was a pretty decent week, I suppose. Well, asisde from oversleeping on Wednesday. Woke up to Kyanne standing next to me saying that the sun was out so that means we should be up. Um, yeah, the sun was up alright. It was 7:45, and I have to be to work at 8. Called the boss, jumped out of bed, wished Boo a happy birthday, and then started the mad morning scramble. Of course I had promised a special bday hairdo earlier in the week, and couldn't back out of that. This is what she wanted: http://shedoeshair.blogspot.com/2008/08/braid-flower.html

How it turned out when in a major rush:

We have a busy weekend planned again. The kids' dad and grandma will be visiting tomorrow (I think..no one has really given me any info). That will be interesting I'm sure...

Kyanne's b-day party is Sunday afternoon. I still have to decide on a menu, figure out who's coming, how much food I need, and find time to make it all. Ugh!

Happy Birthday Boo!

2008-09-17T16:38:00.003-05:00

Kyanne,

Today, after much antipation on your part, you finally turned four. You are such a big girl now, and I couldn't be any more proud of you. You have been through a lot in your short four years, and yet you are still the same sweet girl. Granted, we do have our moments, but they are getting fewer and far between anymore.

You are such a great big sister, always loving on your brothers and watching out for them. Sure you teach them some not so nice things, but that's what big sisters are for too. I love watching you play with your brothers...the silly things you do to make them laugh, how gentle and patient you are even when you don't think I am watching. I hope you will always be that close to them.

Now that you are school I know that you will only get even smarter than you already are. You are so excited to learn your letters and how to write. You already know a lot of the stuff that you have been covering and are proud of yourself for that. I am proud of you too, and I hope that you never lose that love for learning.

Boo, I love you with everything I have and then some. I hope this next year is even better than the last.

Love,
Mommy

First week of school chaos

2008-09-10T15:26:00.004-05:00

Monday was Kyanne's first day of preschool. She absolutely loved it, and didn't even have time to tell me goodbye when I dropped her off. I took the day off, and we had a "girls day" to celebrate her starting school. Our day included a nap, which was fabulous. We then went on an adventure, and of course took the camera with us.

Today was the second day of school, and her first day staying at daycare all day. We had to leave the house half an hour earlier than normal, and man was that tough to get everyone moving. Especially with Evan the mad baby crawling after us crying. But everyone got where they needed to go, we didn't forget anything, and I made it to work with 5 minutes to spare (earlier than I have been all year!) Hopefully we can continue this momentum when everyone starts new daycare on the 22nd...

OMG...Stop growing!

2008-09-05T11:17:00.004-05:00

I sat down for a minute last night to check my email. I look over and see this:

Seriously!?! Evan, you are only 7.5 months old. You really need to stop with all this mobility business. You need to stay my baby for a least a little while longer.

In a funk

2008-08-27T11:38:00.002-05:00

Life is keeping me crazy busy as usual and time is just flying by. I realized the other day that it has been a year since I have sold my house and we started out on my journey as a single mom. (Granted I didn't really have any help prior, but this made it official) And so I have spent some time reflecting about the past year or so and realizing how far we have come.

I had so much self-doubt when I made the decision to walk away from a 6-year relationship. We had a house, a car, and 2-going on 3 kids together. In my world things should have been permanent, but then harsh reality set in. I was the only one working, and we were struggling in a big way to pay the bills. We started getting more and more behind on bills and had to stop paying for all but the necessities. It was so hard to look at the kids and question how I was going to provide for them, and all the while the other half did nothing. Then money started missing from my purse..at first just a few bucks here and there, but at the time that was a big deal. Then one day I went to pay the electric bill which was already past due, only to find that the money I had set aside was gone. Our power was disconnected and the kids and I had to live with my mom for a few days until she loaned us the money for it. I have never felt like such a failure, and yet that was just the kick I needed. It was then that I realized that it was up to me to make a change to ensure that my kids would have the life they deserved.

We sold the house, I found an apartment for the kids and I, and the car was repossessed. For a few weeks I was without a vehicle at all and had to rely on friends and family. It was so damn hard, but it didn't matter because I knew I was doing the right thing. I was officially a single mom and was proud for making that decision, but couldn't help but feel sad. Here I sat, alone with my babies wondering what to do next. It tooks months of work and lots of emotional battles with the ex before I felt comfortable in my decision. I somehow found the strength to not only keep going, but do whatever I can to better myself. That's how I am where I am now--Attending classes, teaching myself everything I can about photography. For the first time in my life I have real dreams and I only hope that I have the determination to stick it out.

The past few days have been rough. I am excited for all I have accomplished, hurt from reliving the pain of it, and pissed that I am still the only one providing for my sweet babies. They deserve better than that. I can't help but feel guilty and like I should be the one to blame for their lack of a daddy. I know Kyanne does blame me some because she doesn't understand it. I only hope that someday she realizes how hard it was for me to make the decisions I did, and that I did it all for them.

I wish I could explain it to them now, especially on the days like yesterday. Kyanne was mad at me for something and telling me how mean I was, Alex was calling me by the babysitter's name (how's that for guilt...he sees her more than me) and Evan started saying "dada" (totally unfair...he doesn't even know he has one of those). I broke down and cried. This is my life now and I am in it alone. At the end of the day I wish I had someone that I could lean on. Someone to let me know that the craziness will pass, someone to take care of me. After a year of rebuilding my life and discovering myself, I think I am finally ready to allow myself to start letting my guard down a bit. I only hope that I don't end up hurt in the process.

Another one bites the dust

2008-08-20T11:07:00.003-05:00

As of ten minutes ago I officially completed another one of my classes. That puts me one step closer to completing my degree. I am so excited-although not for long seeing as how my next class starts tomorrow.

Other random happenings:

~Kyanne had preschool orientation last night. She took a bit to warm up, but was chasing boys by the end of it. I have already volunteered for the first field-trip, and am pretty excited. ;)

~We had a busy weekend last weekend. My sister officially moved and I already miss her. My nephew had his birthday (9 already!).

~I had a "date" of sorts Saturday night that went really well.

~Evan is now babbling and it is the cutest thing ever! His tiny little voice doesn't seem like it should be coming out him. I really thought it was Alex the first time I heard him. Someone really needs to make that kid stop growing up so quickly.

~I am considering emailing a local photographer to see if she would be willing to mentor me. We shall see if I get brave enough to take the plunge. All I know is that I really need some willing subjects if I am ever going to improve. This is what I have to work with now:

Poor neglected bloggie...

2008-08-15T11:55:00.002-05:00

I have come to the conclusion that I am just not a very interesting person. I really don't have a whole lot to say most of the time. I guess it doesn't help that I have been busy (imagine that!) and don't have a whole lot of time to try and gather thoughts into coherent paragraphs.

Another week is over and we are headed towards a busy weekend. Need to find time to clean, work on my final project for class, do laundry, etc. We are also expecting company on Saturday, and have my nephew's birthday party on Sunday. Whew..I am exhausted just thinking of it.

In other news, Evan turned 7 months old the 14th. This is killing me! Why the heck won't time slow down for a bit? I am not ready for him to be big, and it's bad enough that he is crawling and sitting and soon enough will be walking. Ugh.

Even though I don't want to acknowledge his growth, here are his 7 month pictures.

UGH

2008-08-11T20:26:00.002-05:00

Too pissed off for words right now. Child support order in the amount of $241.oo/month to start Sept. 1st. He has his apprentice electrician license that just needs to be renewed. He had been offered jobs starting at $18+ last year that he didn't take. Now he is finally working but working 40 hrs at $10/hr.

I know I should be glad I am getting anything at all, but it's still a load of crap. I am busting my ass working full-time, going to school, and raising 3 kids with zero help. (I take that back-I have an awesome friend and sister that will always lend a hand for sanity sake when needed) But I have kids that need fall/winter shoes and all 3 car seats need to be replaced soon.

Of course when I mention that to him I hear about how broke he is because he has to pay rent and utilities and food, etc. Um yeah, so I do. But he has no problem buying a pack of cigarettes daily.

Ok vent over. I think I just need to take the night off. Ignore the dishes and 2 weeks of laundry that need to be folded. I am going to plop my butt on the couch, curl up with my favorite blanket, and wait until 9:30 when I know I will be receiving a phone call from someone that seems to always cheer me up ;)

*Insert catchy title here

2008-08-11T09:15:00.002-05:00

Yup, I have been slacking again. I am seriously lacking in the motivational department lately. My monsters have been keeping me busy. Ok, so maybe I am just really a slacker because I can't come up with a single good reason for why I can't seem to find a few minutes to update my blog.

Basic rundown of the past few weeks:

Went to the lake a few weekends ago. I had taken Friday afternoon off and went to the lake with my friend Katie for the afternoon (without kids!). I got a little burned, but totally worth it. We went Saturday afternoon as well and the kids had a blast. What a bunch of little fishies.

During the week it is the standard routine of work and cooking and playing and homework. Kyanne is behaving better, but Alex is going through a throwing phase. Not so fun.

Evan is full-on army crawling now, and is so darn quick. It is so cute to watch him and Alex chase each other though.

My mom went to Sturgis for a week on her new bike and came back with a tattoo...not even gonna comment on that one.

We had our last family dinner last night before my sister moves (next weekend). We had 8 adults and 6 kids in a 800 sf (if that) duplex. It was fun though, and the food was great.

Today I finally go to court for our child support hearing. That will be interesting...

More pictures

2008-08-07T16:35:00.001-05:00

I am crabby today, so no words from me, just pictures.

Can't resist...

2008-07-30T14:02:00.003-05:00

It just didn't feel right writing a blog post without pictures...

Here are a few that I tried to give a moody look to, since the original pictures were very flawed.

What a week

2008-07-30T13:41:00.002-05:00

Yeah I realize it's only Wednesday, but it has been one heck of a week already. The kids are kicking my butt here lately and I feel old! Alex is bound and determined to end up in the ER I think. Sunday he managed to fall down the steps at dad's and collapsed a folding chair. The kid climbs on everything, and I don't the energy to keep up and take him down off of everything. (God that makes me sound like a horrible mother) He is also going through a not so fun pretend aggressive stage. He isn't angry, but will run up behind me and bite spank me.

Monday I got a call at work at 4 that Kyanne had gotten sick (swear we just over all the sickies last week). So I went and picked the kids up and we went home. It wouldn't have been so bad had not just one, but both boys been teething and crabby. Everyone got sent to bed early.

Yesterday was pretty uneventful luckily. I had an 3:00 meeting and my told me to take the whole afternoon off. So that was cool and allowed me to get some shopping done. I stopped in at Goodwill and made a killing! I snagged 6 brand new looking pairs of jeans, 2 denim skirts and 16 adorable shirts for Kyanne, 5 shirts for Alex, 4 for Evan and 3 pairs of pants, a coat for me, 8 puzzles, a crib toy, and 6 books. Total cost: $72 I was thrilled...

I invited my baby sister over for supper since I knew I would have more than enough leftovers from the roast and veggies I had in the crock pot. Supper was fantastic, and even the kids ate it. I think we are down to about 2 weeks before she moves :(

Today we are on track for another good day. Now if only I could get motivated to work on my homework...

Wow

2008-07-27T11:28:00.003-05:00

Enjoying a lazy Sunday with the monsters, but Evan and I are taking a break from the action to post these pictures. These three pictures are worth all the effort of setup, and chasing kids, and bribing, and removing random children out of the way of the shot, and the lack of eye contact, and the wiggling..well, you get the idea. When everything comes together, there are no other words other than wow...

Time

2008-07-25T23:06:00.002-05:00

Why is it that time goes so quickly when you want nothing more than to be able to hold onto the moments? I remember clearly being young and wanting so badly for time to pass more quickly so that I could be older. Being 15 and wishing for 16 so that I could drive, then 18 so I could buy cigarettes, then 21 so I could drink...Time just could not pass fast enough for me.

Now the days and weeks and months just fly by, and I find myself staring into the faces of my children who are growing like weeds and change so much with each passing day. I want to pull them close and not let them grow up. I love the stages they are in and their cute, quirky individual personalities. I know I will love them just as much if not more tomorrow, and next week, and next month and next year...but I am not ready to let go.

Evan's changes have been the hardest to deal with since he is my last baby. Each monumental occasion brings both happiness for his accomplishments, and tears for the passing of another milestone that I will never see reached again. And this kid seems to be on a mission to far surpass all of the timelines set by his siblings.

It started the other day innocently enough with a toy just slightly out of reach. He stretched. He wiggled. He kicked his legs. He stretched some more and dug his tiny toes into the carpet and pushed. Success! From there on out the toys became easier to reach, and the wiggling went quicker. But that was not enough for my little overachiever, because from there he learned to wiggle his chubby little legs underneath him and push up on is arms. After a few face plants he learned to steady himself and concentrate. Today he found he can rock back and forth while in that position. Tomorrow, well, who knows what tomorrow brings. All I know is that I want to spend every waking moment with my babies who will not stop growing no matter how much I will them to.

And to top it all off, he now has one very sharp little tooth that poked through taking away the adorable gummy baby grin away forever.

EAT

2008-07-24T09:53:00.001-05:00

I officially started babyfood with Evan the other day, and was pleasantly surpised. He loved it! He devoured every last bite of his green beans, and barely got a drop on him. This is huge, because Alex refused baby food when he was a baby. So needless to say I was thrilled and had visions of him being so easy to feed. Too bad it was a fluke...

Last night, green beans again. He ate them, but without getting messy...Not so much.

Maybe he just wants a little more variety.

Cuteness

2008-07-23T10:54:00.003-05:00

I got all of my cleaning done during lunch yesterday so that I would have time to attempt a "photo shoot" with the kids after supper last night. It was, well...interesting to say the least. Buddy didn't sit still and Kyanne gave me grouchy faces. Evan, on the other hand, can't get away from me yet. I was able to get lots of pictures of him. Here is my favorite:

Anyone with kids that hold still for pictures-feel free to send them my way :)

Mommy Math

2008-07-23T10:43:00.003-05:00

10=Total hours of sleep I have had since Saturday.
9=The number of days in a row I have had at least one sick child.
8=How many times an hour I have to ask Kyanne to Please.Stop.Whining.
7=The number of times a dayAlex thinks he needs food and proceeds to yell "EAT!"
6=The number of homework assignments I have due in the next 3 days.
5=The number of days I have know about said assignments.
4=Hours spent on the phone each of the past 2 nights.
3=Number of adorable children that I have the wonderful priveledge of being a mother to.
2=Sweet, loveable, adorable boys.
1=Gorgeous, very intelligent princess.

z's and a funny

2008-07-22T09:03:00.003-05:00

Convo with Kyanne today as I was buttoning her dress:
K-Mommy, can you scratch my back?
M-You try it, I am buttoning your dress.
K-I did. I just can't quite reach it at the moment.

It was cute. She sounds so grown up when she speaks. Well, when she speaks without whining anyway.

I.am.tired. Two hours of sleep is just not enough. That is all.

I DID IT

2008-07-21T14:29:00.004-05:00

I should have posted this a few weeks ago, but see other post about my slackerness.

Anyway, I did it. I finally talked myself into purchasing a dSLR camera that I have been lusting after forever. I am so excited. The best part is that the kids actually let me take a few pics of them before they run away. Of course I have to share a few:

I am a slacker

2008-07-21T14:18:00.002-05:00

So, I realized today that my blog has been completely neglected lately, and there is no real reason why. I have had the past month off of school, so I should have been able to find some free time. But unfortunately I am a total slacker, and really good at procrastinating. Here is a brief run-down of the happening of the past month:

*I finished my first session of school. Current GPA is 4.0. Classes started again last Monday, and my grade for week one is 100%. I still question why I got myself into this though.

*Kyanne had been going to a behavioral therapist for some temper and listening issues we were dealing with. Pretty sure it is all sorted out now, and we have been getting along so much better.

*Alex is still the same little comedian, only now has a bigger vocab. If I call for him he now responds with "what?". He has also started telling me "Potty" right after he goes in his diaper. It's a start, but I think Kyanne would appreciate it if he would quit going in the tub.

*Evan is already 6 months old! Still sweet and laid back as ever, although now he is starting to sit and army crawl. I am not ready for him to be mobile yet!

*Andy came to visit 3 weeks ago for the first time in a few months. It went surprisingly well, and we actually managed to get along. We are finally on better terms, but we will see if that lasts after the child support hearing on Aug. 11.

*I have had at least one kid sick everyday for the past week. I can't begin to explain how exhausted and sleep deprived I am. Pretty sure I am coming down with something now.

The Lake

2008-06-03T09:39:00.003-05:00

The kids and I spent Saturday afternoon at a friend's lake cabin. My family has a cabin at this same lake. It is my favorite place to be in the summer. We had a blast, and I was shocked by how relaxing it actually was.

My friend Katie is the absolute best friend anyone could ask for, and surpised my kids with a bunch of buckets and shovels and squirt guns that she had bought just for them. She also brought out the sun umbrella for Evan.

The kids had a blast just sitting in the sand digging and scooping, and didn't once try to run off like I thought they would. We splashed around in the water a bit, but it was still pretty chilly. We will have to go out there again soon.

Early morning comedy

2008-05-29T10:00:00.001-05:00

What a wonderful way to start my day.

For starters, i was up until 12, evan woke up at 3, and at 5, and 6...so i just stayed up. I
was all excited that i had extra time, had myself and evan dressed and fed and before the other kids were even up. I was in a great mood because I finally fit into one of my favorite pairs of pants. I then started waking up the other 2.
Well, the princess was a major crab, and whined and cried over everything.
So i was a little stressed, but doing alright until I
hear Evan cough and spit up.
I go to where he is laying on the floor, and see that he has projectile spit up'd all over his face, neck, ears, hair, shirt, coat, and i swear to God half of the living room.
So much for leaving early...I get him changed, then have to chase Alex around the house to get his coat on, while Kyanne is bawling (I took blankie away because of attitude) and wiping snot everywhere
Oh,, and all the while I am hearing how much she wishes I didn't work and how she doesn't like daycare. Nothing like a major guilt trip to start the morning off right.
Ok, so, we get the boys to daycare, no problems there, until on the way out when Kyanne steps in dog poo. We get her shoe cleaned off in the grass, get her buckled in, and check the clock. I have just enough time to drop her off and get to work by 8.
I hop in the van, and hear a ripping sound…

Yup, the super cute white cords that I was so excited fit me....
were now exposing my entire left cheek.
I grab my phone, call my boss to let him know I would be late, and head home to change.
We get there, and discover that the lawn crew was there fertilizing.
Of course the 3 guys are right in front of my building
and me with half my ass showing.
Luckily Kyanne had a sweater in the van, that was able to stretch enough to wrap around my waist.
We managed to get inside and up half the steps, before the sweater drops.
Kyanne picked it up for me while I made a mad dash up the remaining stairs and to my apartment., We get inside, get changed and finally get Kyanne to daycare.
I was only 20 minutes late for work, and luckily the boss has a good sense of humor.

Important lesson learned: Getting up 45 minutes early does not guarantee that you will arrive to work early. It just provides more time for things to go wrong. Tomorrow, I am sleeping in.

Early Start

2008-05-13T06:46:00.002-05:00

All I have to say is that 5 AM comes really early when you are up until 2:30...

The advantage to being up this early though, is that I was able to feed Evan, give Alex a bath, make breakfast for the kids, drink 2 cups of coffee, and get everyone dressed and ready to go without being in a rush. Oh, and I painted my toenails and actually took a bit of time for my hair and makeup.

I was also able to get all of my homework that was due last night done on time. School is kicking my butt more than I had prepared for. There is more of a learning curve with the software that I thought I could breeze my way through. Hopefully I will be able to get on track soon.

Kyanne was sick yesterday; running a fever of 104.4 and an upset stomach. Alex woke up around 12:30 last night (right when I finished my homework) with a poopy diaper, and then didn't think he needed to go back to bed. Not really sure what his issue was, but when I put him back in bed he screamed bloody murder and started shaking. So I held him. And I rocked him. And I tried laying on the couch with him. And the floor. And I tried putting him in bed. And holding him some more. THE KID WOULD NOT SLEEP! So I did what any sleep deprived mother would do...I set up the playpen, turned on Blue's Clues, and we finally drifted off to sleep. The kid popped right up when my alarm (Evan) went off at 5:30 this morning wanting to be fed.

Self Doubt

2008-05-06T09:18:00.002-05:00

"I know God will not give me anything I can't handle. I just wish that He didn't trust me so much." ~Mother Teresa

It is shaping up to be another rough week, and it's only Tuesday. Alex's allergies are horrible, Evan is going through a growth spurt and eats constantly, and Kyanne, is well, she's Kyanne. My classes start Thursday, and I noticed that I will have five assignments due for one class by Monday. I have 2 weeks worth of laundry to fold, and I desperately need to vacuum. Oh, and the fridge is getting pretty bare, but without a lunch break for the past 6 days, I haven't made it to the store. I feel like I am drowning, and am really starting to question whether or not I am as strong as I thought I was.

It's really not even the messy apartment that bothers me. I know in the big scheme of things, a little clutter or a huge pile of laundry doesn't matter. My kids are loved, and provided for, and I know they will remember me playing with them more than they will whether or not i kept a spotless house. But man, the guilt is getting to me, and Kyanne has been asking a lot of questions that I don't have answers for.

This is our conversation from the other night:
K-Mommy, how come Daddy isn't going to come visit us anymore?
M-I don't know sweetie, he is living in Iowa anymore.
K-Does he still love me?
M-Yes, I am sure he still loves you very much.
K-But, he doesn't want to be a family with us anymore.
M-.......You have me honey. I will always be here for you and your brothers.
K-Mommy, can Papa be my new daddy? Will you share him with me?

Luckily we were in the van so she couldn't see my crying.

Random Thoughts

2008-05-04T15:38:00.003-05:00

As the longest week ever draws to close, I am left unable to focus on single thought at a time...So here are random happenings from my week.

1)Heard from Kyanne while eating animal cookies-"This tastes like hippos". Hmm, better not ask what she thinks of my cooking...

2)My baby sister is graduating in a few weeks, and I cannot believe it. I am working on designing some invites for her, and can't help but remember her as a little girl. I remember carrying her around the house as my very own live baby doll and fixing her hair on the way to gymnastics meets. As odd as it sounds, she is more like one of my kids than my sister, but I also consider her a good friend. We will really miss her when she goes off to college.

3)Alex decided that he didn't want his brother leading in the close calls/scary situations race. I heard him wake up this morning and decided to go in and brush my teeth before getting him. I could hear him talking. Then I heard a thump followed by lots of crying. Sure enough, he managed to fall out of his crib. Hopefully he learned his lesson, because he definately isn't ready for a big bed.

4)My classes start this week and I am terrified! I really don't know what to expect, and I hope I do well because I can't stand to fail. I will hopefully be getting a desk this week, because my current setup on the kitchen table just isn't working.

5)I am still trying to figure out where to enroll Kyanne for preschool, and which session would be best. Not any closer to making a real decision.

6)I am missing my brother like crazy, but I will say that I am damn proud of him. He is currently going through training for the Army, and we haven't seen him since Christmas. Hopefully he gets leave soon!

Mothers

2008-05-02T14:24:00.002-05:00

Taken from an email I received:

This is for the mothers who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Mayer wieners and cherry Kool-Aid saying, "It's okay honey, Mommy's here."

Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end soothing crying babies who can't be comforted.

This is for all the mothers who show up at work with spit-up in their hair and milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purse.

For all the mothers who run carpools and make cookies and sew Halloween costumes. And all the mothers who DON'T.

This is for the mothers who gave birth to babies they'll never see. And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.

This is for the mothers whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors.

And for all the mothers who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars. And that when their kids asked, "Did you see me, Mom?" they could say, "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world," and mean it.

This is for all the mothers who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens.

This is for all the mothers who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the (grand)mothers who wanted to, but just couldn't find the words.

This is for all the mothers who go hungry, so their children can eat. For all the mothers who read "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for a year. And then read it again, "Just one more time."

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.

This is for all the mothers who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.

This is for every mother whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home -- or even away at college -- or have their own families.

This is for all the mothers who sent their kids to school with stomach aches, assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only to get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up. Right away.

This is for mothers whose children have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach them.

For all the mothers who bite their lips until they bleed when their 14 year olds dye their hair green.

For all the mothers of the victims of recent school shootings, and the mothers of those who did the shooting. For the mothers of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.

This is for all the mothers who taught their children to be peaceful, and now pray they come home safely from a war.

What makes a good mother anyway? Is it patience? Compassion? Broad hips? The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sew a button on a shirt, all at the same time? Or is it in her heart? Is it the ache she feels when she watches her son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time? The jolt that takes her from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put her hand on the back of a sleeping baby? The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when she just wants to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in her home? Or the need to flee from wherever she is and hug her child when she hears news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?

The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation... And for mature mothers learning to let go. For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers. Single mothers and married mothers. Mothers with money, mothers without. This is for you all. For all of us... Hang in there. In the end we can only do the best we can. Tell them every day that we love them. And pray and never stop being a mother...

"Home is what catches you when you fall - and we all fall."

Random letters

2008-05-01T15:59:00.002-05:00

Dear Andy,
I was just wondering if you were planning on looking for a job anytime soon? I don't mean to be pushy-I know it must be rough sitting around all day at your friend's house in Iowa. I understand you are trying to get focused first & that's why you are there. Oh who am I fooling...

It's been a year & a half since you have held a job. Quit making excuses & start supporting your kids!! I am tired of working my ass off while you sit on yours.

squishy face revised

2008-05-01T15:41:00.003-05:00

This is a quick revision of the previous picture. I am playing around with CS3 & my new digital tablet. Trying to get the hang of this before classes start next week. In fact, I wrote this whole post using the tablet. Got to love handwriting recognition software!!

My little Squishy face

2008-04-30T22:12:00.001-05:00

The sweet sound of silence

2008-04-30T21:39:00.002-05:00

Today was one of those day...The owner was in the office all day, which means I had to leave my computer at home. It was a very long day, and I was forced to blog it old school (with a pen and paper). Of course forgot the notebook at work.

I really need to find some good, quick recipes. The middle monster is always starving by the time we get home in the evenings, and there are only so many healthy meals that I can make in the 20 minutes I get before a complete meltdown ensues.

Tonight, total chaos erupted within 5 minutes of walking in the door. Evan decided to join in on the action right in the middle of cooking, so I asked little mommy to lend a hand and do pacifier patrol. Finished making supper, got the kids to the table, and picked up the chunk since he was still fussy. He started coughing and gagging, and in true mommy fashion, I put my hand under his mouth. Imagine my shock and horror when a metal button (snap) plopped in my hand. It was about 1/4" across and 1/8" thick...just the right size to do some major damage had things taken that turn. I immediately start the interrogation, while trying to hold it together. Of course first came denial, then came blaming Alex, and then finally acceptance that I knew the truth. She got quite the long talk, but I don't know if I properly conveyed the seriousness of her actions. She knew I was very upset though.

Needless to say, I was definately ready for bedtime tonight, and luckily it came early. After that I had time to do dishes, clean the bathroom, microwave, fridge, and sweep the floors. I should be folding laundry, but I can't have all my fun in one night.

The creative mind of a 3 year old

2008-04-29T09:14:00.003-05:00

I must say, Kyanne never ceases to amaze me with her creativeness. The girl is always coming up with silly games, or playing with her imaginary friends (Squidward and baby Squidward). But this, this definately takes the cake so far. She has been on a stick-people kick, but must have gotten tired with the same old people. So she drew a picture of her Papa...but not just any picture of him. She says it Papa, upside down on the couch.

I know you are propably thinking no big deal, the kid drew a stick person and then turned the paper around. But no, she actually drew the picture that way. I was pretty impressed that she could visualize that and actually draw everything in the correct place...but then again, I am her mom, and I always think she is darn smart.

"You sure have your hands full"

2008-04-24T09:24:00.005-05:00

Yup, my hands are definately full, but you know what, so is my heart. I love my "little" family and all the chaos that comes with it. Sure there are days when I want to hide in the bathroom (or at least pee alone). But the good days, the days where I want to scoop them all up and not let go, far outweigh the bad ones. Together we have struggled through lots of hard times, but I think we are finally at a place where we can kick back, relax, and enjoy each other.